When I woke up this morning, I couldn't rub the tiredness out of my eyes. I could barely make out the numbers on the clock to see the time. It was later than it should have been. My husband was still asleep. I nudged him awake. He started getting ready for the day. My husband said he was okay because he didn't have to be in at his normal time. I realized that I was not prepared for my day. I asked my husband if he could run to the store to pick up a couple of things. I'm not sure what I was thinking. I wasn't. In retrospect it was a selfish move. My husband picked up the tempo, rushed out to the store and back. Right before he got back, I realized we were almost out of coffee. I felt 100% grumpy. I had my coffee. My sweet husband didn't even take any when he left. I still felt grumpy. My boys were busy with noise and bickering.
The day rolled on full speed ahead like a roller coaster car traveling on the down-side of the track. I was pulled back and forth between the kids and the needs of the day. At one point, I dropped a picture frame and the glass shattered. I muttered a shameless word in frustration. Then, I stopped - for a few seconds. I prayed "Lord help me. I don't know what I am doing."
I marched back to the beat of the off-tune music of my day. I kept right on pressing on with my attitude and frustration. Nothing was working out. It seemed I could not finish one task without hearing "Momma! Momma!" about 10 times. I was stretched thin as a rubber band pulled as tight as possible. I walked upstairs to grab an item for my 4 year old. At the very moment I walked by my sleeping daughter's room, I heard my son yelling, "Momma! Momma!" I grasped my hands together tightly, much like a child does at the dinner meal blessing. I stopped. Still as ever, I prayed, "Lord, help me. I cannot do this without you."
I walked down stairs. My tension was still present and very real. I helped my son get on his dress-up clothes. I grabbed my book and walked into my bedroom. I opened it. I read a few Psalms. My son called me again. He needed me to "come there". With a sigh, I told him he had to come to where I was. I tended to him. Then, I tended to my soul again.
These words- "Then they cried unto the Lord in their trouble, and he saved them from their distress" comforted me. These words- "He brought them out of the darkness and the deepest gloom and broke away their chains" reminded me. These words -"Let them give thanks to the Lord for his unfailing love" brought me home.
I think the reason I fail to pray sometimes is because I have not spent time reading my Bible. There is nothing wrong with prayers of desperation. I believe my prayers today were, in fact, effective. What keeps me from a deep connection to God throughout my day in prayer? It has to be me failing to read the Bible.
It's the same as me telling a friend that I want to get together with them but then never making time to do it. I have a sincere desire to get to know some of my friends better but I need to make the effort to dedicate time to those friends. To deepen a friendship, I have to invest in it. Spending time reading my Bible provides an avenue to draw closer to God when I talk to him.
I'm linked up with Ann at A Holy Experience.