This Tuesday morning I am trying to get a grip on my day. I woke up angry at the morning. I did not sleep well. At some point my 4 year old woke me up saying he heard a scratching noise. I was absolutely out of it when he woke me up in the middle of the night. He climbed in bed with me and I proceeded to try to comfort and talk to him while I was sleeping. My husband ended up taking him to bed. Sometime later (not sure of the time because my eyes couldn't focus) I was jolted out of my slumber by the sound of my 3 year old screaming from upstairs. He was up and needed to go the bathroom. Instead of coming downstairs for help (like he often does) or calling us from upstairs (like he sometimes does), or even just simply crying (which us usually does), he was screaming at the top of his lungs. I bounded upstairs as quickly as possible. I got him to the the bathroom and back in bed. Not long after I lay down (it couldn't have been that long because I was sleeping so lightly), my sleep was broken by the sound of a dog peeing. Yep, my dog peed in the house. (What in the world?!) I nudged my husband and he got up for that one. This morning right before 7, I heard the thundering sounds of my kids feet in their bedroom above mine. It was not a happy sound to my ears. It was too early for kid noise. Then, my sweet baby who normally wakes up around 8:30 started crying about 7:20. She was awake because she had pooped. I thought to myself... I hate this day already. I said outloud, "This is going to be the worst day." I cannot explain accurately just how grumpy I felt when I got up. (My husband could describe it in great detail.) I convinced my kids to play in their room. I got my baby comfortable, safe and entertained. I reheated my coffee (for the 2nd or 3rd time) and went outside. I sat out on my patio and prayed. My prayer was the prayer of a child. This is too much God. I am not ready for today. I can't handle this. Give me grace. Help me not kill my kids ("give me patience"). Give me energy. Help me. Give me. Give me. Give me. I felt so small praying this way but it was all I could do.
I opened the Psalms to the 19th one. I found "The precepts of the Lord are right, giving joy to the heart. The commands of the Lord are radiant." I remembered wanting to be "radiant" when I read Psalm 34 on Thursday. I turned the pages there. It says, "I sought the Lord and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears. Those who look to him are radiant." I thought to myself: "Ok, God. I am looking to you." I read on and found this: "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." I certainly felt crushed in spirit.
That's what I am trying out today... finding joy in the "precepts of the Lord", "seeking the Lord" and just simply resting in the fact that the "Lord is close" to me. I am not facing a tramatic event or especially trying tribulation. It is just Tuesday at my house. I am comforted to know that I can become "radiant" as I look to him.