Last Sunday, the stained glass cross at the front of the church was vibrant with the light from outside. It struck me as beautiful. The large opened Bible placed on a podium was lit with color from the light shining through the stained glass windows on the other wall of the church. It was striking. It caused me to pause and appreciate the beauty.
It was beautiful. I realized that even as the tears of heartache were in my eyes.
My experience at church wasn't what I expected that day. I had longed to be there. It felt like it had been too long. So much had happened during the week. The last few days I truly looked forward to church.
And then when I got there, I felt a surge of emotion I didn't expect feel. It wasn't sadness. But, it was. It wasn't happiness. But, it was.
All week I prayed. I have prayed on my knees. And I don't even know what I think about being like that, but I was at that very point of desperation. The place where getting on my knees just happened. I would venture to say that I haven't prayed this hard since my dad had his stroke 10 years ago. We just really didn't know if my brother-in-law would make it. He "isn't out of the woods" yet.
Anyway, at church, I expected to feel invigorated. I expected to feel filled.
I didn't expect to feel the emotion that I felt. It was all I could do not to cry. I cried. But the tears didn't slip away from my eyes.
All week I have asked and begged and pleaded for God to heal Josh.
Josh is in ICU after having a pulmonary embolism. The long of it is that he had sepsis from some infection he probably contracted from an appendectomy he had a couple of months ago. The infection caused blood to coagulate and he had bi-lateral pulmonary embolisms. He has kidney problems that probably stem from the sepsis. He's strong but he's been struggling to live.
I've been in this continual pleading stage with God. And being in church on Sunday, I found it both difficult and amazing to worship. It was a different kind of worship.
I believe God is in control and all powerful.
He knows my heart.
To worship him when my current heart's desire is outstanding was difficult. It was also right.
And so I found a way to worship. I found I way to focus on God, his creation and how amazing life is.
This life is so precious. So fragile. Fleeting. It's incomprehensible how we are- how we all exist in the first place. I cannot stop myself from marveling at all that life is.
Worship was not what I expected but it was the most heart-wrenching worship I have experienced in long time. And that makes it beautiful.
Perhaps the best worship isn't what we expect. It isn't the music or an emotion filled elation. Worship is when we adore God. That can happen at the best of times and at the darkest of times. It can happen in our neediest hour. Sometimes adoration becomes deeper when heartache is present.