Without Words

Without warning, I fell.

I stumbled. Something caught my attention. Someone seemed so much better. I compared myself and in my eyes, I paled in comparison.

I tripped myself up with too many tasks on my to do list. I multi-tasked. I could not keep up with myself. I forgot to catch myself before I fell into feelings of failure.

I crashed down with the weight of the burdens (that I took on) of others. I loaded myself down with thoughts of concern and desperate longings to be the one that could make everything better. I did not realize that I could not be everything to everyone.

I descended into an abyss of self-pity and discontentment. The abyss was imagined but powerfully real.

I fell. In some ways I am still falling. These are just a few of the ways that I struggle.

When I feel strong feelings of failure, I have to stop. When I am falling, it is hard to stop.

I search for words.

The words come to me flowing like a waterfall over a cliff. The words fall from my heart and collect in a pool of prayers.

My prayers feel weak sometimes. I imagine they are flowing streams that gather strength as they morph into rivers and ultimately an ocean of praise and petition.

My faith is unwavering even when my steps are unsteady.

Without words of prayer, I plummet into self-absorption. My words, through prayers, sustain me even when I am weak.

When I fail to pray, when I am without words, I cannot abate my feelings of failure. Without words of prayer, my focus rests on myself and not on my Saviour.

My faith is unwavering. My words are being squeezed out of my heart through prayer. I am still here. I am struggling, praying, and growing.