Safe and strong: a journal entry

 I write all the time but not as much as I'd like. Sometime I even write on here and then don't publish it. I don't know why I do that. I think just like to write. I was thinking this morning about these words that I wrote some days ago and for some reason the feeling behind them are still with me.

Journal entry on 9/15/2020 (okay, it wasn't really a journal. I wrote it in the notes section on my phone but it is journaling)

Just dropped off my son at college. That sounds so simple. We live in Tampa. He goes to school in Seattle. It is so very hard. It is also what was right. We have lived all over- especially out west. 4 years in Washington, 4 years in Oregon and 3 years in Nevada. My boys don't necessarily think of Florida as home. I hope it is family. I hope is where they think of family.

I left my son for his sophomore year. As I did, I realized how very grateful I am that he could go where he wanted. I miss him. Sometimes I am afraid I miss the little wide eyed boy with glasses who like with adoration at me more than the 19 year old boy that is searching and becoming. It isn't true. I have loved him at every moment and stage. I am just hoping I gave him enough. I gave him what I had as I matured and grew as as a person and parent along the way, starting at 27. I was so young at 27. I could have given him more if I was the person I am now back when he was born. That's not how it works. I think I gave him all I had at every step. And I wonder who he will be and how my parenting weaves into it. I want him to be free to be him but I want him to be okay. Be okay. Safe and strong. I pray for that and for him. And that's just something you cannot control when your kid becomes an adult. That's just something that's hard to feel good about- even more as you are watching the clouds as you fly 2500 plus miles away. 

Thankfully here

Today someone asked me what my college degree was and whether or not I thought I would work again. It’s been a while since someone asked me anything like that. Years ago I would have felt inferior in unexplainable ways. Right now I’m sitting outside by a fire in the glorious Florida coolness (64 degrees) considering my stage in life and how it is no where near where I thought I would be. But also, how I’ve found contentment in ways and means I never imagined. Is there more that I could achieve and truly enjoy? Yes. Maybe I will or maybe I won’t pursue my interests in the workforce. I don’t even know. I do know that life has afforded me experiences that I never saw coming, struggles that I wouldn’t choose, and simple pleasures that cannot be beat. I am not striving for what I once was. I know many people that are unsatisfied. For many years I have simply strived to appreciate the little things around me. That focus has made all of the difference in my world view and contentment. 

This Thanksgiving, be thankful. Be thankful for the big things- the people you know, your house, your job- all of it. And then, look for the little things. The birds outside. The trees blowing in the wind.

The smile a stranger offers back at your smile. The details of life- that’s what you need to notice. For me, it has made all the difference. Live in the details of your life. 

Food Allergy Interview with my 13 Year Old

This week, May 14-20, is Food Allergy Awareness Week. Every year during Food Allergy Awareness Week, I wonder how to make it a significant week. When my son was very young, I decided to interview him about his allergy. I thought it would be a good tool to see what he understood. I thought it would be a good way to make him more aware. What I discovered was that it opened up conversation in a new way. We talked beyond the questions I had planned. We continued to do the interviews for years until we stopped because our busyness got in the way.

When I mentioned Food Allergy Awareness Week to my teenager last weekend, he asked if we were going to do an interview.  I didn't expect that. Last night we sat down together and did our food allergy interview. As it was before, I started with some set questions and added as we went along. We talked even more than I anticipated. We had a thoughtful conversation and even debated how allergies should be handled. It was invaluable.

I'm sharing the interview to give others insight. It was hard to type as quick as he talked. And, like I said, we talked off script quite a bit. My hope is that this causes at least one person to consider what it is like to have a food allergy, that someone will appreciate the struggle more, and maybe, just maybe it will make a difference. Whether it does or not, I had a great conversation with my son. I believe we both learned from each other.

Food Allergy Interview with my 13 Year Old

Question: What are you allergic to?

Answer: Peanuts

Question: What would happen if you ate a peanut or a peanut product?
Answer: I would have trouble breathing. I would get hives and I would need my lifesaver.

Your lifesaver? An EpiPen

Question: Have you ever had to use your EpiPen?
Answer: No. I have used an expired one on an orange and one on an apple.

Question: Does the EpiPen make you nervous.
Answer: Yes. Carrying it around, no. But, thinking about it very much- ya.

Question: What are you nervous about?
Answer: I would be nervous about using it and messing up. Or just using it in general because I don’t like needles.

Question: So, you self-carry your EpiPens. If you had a reaction, do you think you could self-administer it?

Answer: I think I could for the first one but after that, I don’t’ think I would be calm enough to do two. I would probably be panicking too much to do it twice. I’ve thought about it. I would need to take my phone out of my pocket.

Question: Is it hard to remember to carry it everywhere?
Answer: No. I also keep my inhaler in the case. I need my inhaler more often.

Question: How do you carry it with you?
Answer: We put it in a Kangaroo Pouch. It has a kangaroo on it and it’s a pouch so I call it a Kangaroo pouch, which is really a sports case, and I throw it in my pocket.

(He carries a RooSport Plus. It's made so you can put it at your waistband, but he prefers to use it and put it in his cargo shorts pocket.)

Question: Someone you know offers you food and says it is safe, what would you do?
Answer: It depends. Is it a food brand I know? Is it still in the wrapper? Even if I have had it before, I could check the label.

And if it is out of the wrapper… that’s disgusting. It could be Hershey bar that someone had their sweaty hands on.

Question: What if it’s something they made for you?
Answer: It depends on the scenario. I might take a cupcake at the end of the school day to be polite and then throw it away. I would probably not have it. Sometimes, being honest, I will make up an excuse like I am too full.

Question: Does it embarrass you to have a peanut allergy?
Answer: No, sometimes it is just annoying to explain it. It is also embarrassing sometimes because people ask questions and then I have to explain. They ask questions because they are curious. I don’t like the attention.

Question: Is there anything you wish you could tell people about having a peanut allergy?

Answer:

A bit of advice. You better be glad you don’t have one!

Something to know about having the allergy—I get tired of all the attention. I don’t like to think about it that much.

Something to know about the allergy itself-  it’s scary.

Question: What is the scariest part of a peanut allergy?
Answer: Knowing that eating could kill you. Just eating a food could send you into anaphylactic shock.

Imagine this. You love eating. There's a food that can kill you and it's in a lot of other foods. And it apparently tastes really good. But you'd never know because if you eat it, you could die.

Question: Do you worry about that?
Answer: No. Because I don’t think about it until I need to.

Question: Do kids ever tease you about having a peanut allergy?
Answer: Um, people used to. In 4^th and 5^th grade they did. People I didn’t know. In middle school people don’t care. It seems childish. But in 2^nd grade it was just annoying.

Last year we had a debate in school. Should peanuts be allowed in school? My teacher made me be for the side saying peanuts shouldn’t be allowed. I think they should.

Why do you think they should? Other people shouldn’t be restricted from eating food just because other people can’t have it. I would not like to be the kid that limits people from having stuff.

Question: Does it bother you to be different from other kids?
Answer: I’m already different. Everyone is different.

Sometimes at lunch, it’s uncomfortable. I had to politely ask someone not to eat something right then. Because some kids are really messy. I don’t like to restrict people. Sometimes I’ve seen people trade food or sandwiches so they aren’t eating it next to me. I don’t really like that because I don’t like limiting others because I was born with an allergy. They do it without me noticing. Or they try, but I notice.

Question: Do you mind sometimes not getting food that other people get?
Answer:  I don’t really care anymore. I used to care but now I am more laid back about it. I don’t care too much.

Question: Does it ever make you sad?
Answer: Not any more.

Question: Have you ever read about someone else dying from a peanut allergy?
Answer: Nope. Not that I know of.

(I haven't really shared news stories with him because I wasn't sure how that would affect him. We had recently talked about Oakley Debbs, an 11 year old from Florida who died from a nut allergy. We talked about that a bit more and about how he doesn't prefer to read news stories like that because it affects him deeply.)

Question: What do you think about people who think food allergies aren’t a big deal?
Answer: To be honest, they probably just don’t know much about it. I would probably ignore them because they aren’t educated about it.

If you don’t get a food allergy can kill someone, it’s like not getting a cat can scratch someone.

Some people say they have food allergy, but they eat something with their allergen and just pick it off. I don’t get that.

They [Someone who doesn’t think food allergies are a big deal] don’t have the whole perspective

Question: Do you think Food Allergy Awareness Week helps?
Answer:  I think it would help. But, first you have to let people know about the awareness week. Most people don’t even know it’s food allergy awareness week. It’s a random post, with random hashtags. I don’t know if that makes sense.
A teacher at school dyed her hair teal one day this week. I wasn’t able to ask her about it but I was thinking it was for Food Allergy Awareness Week. People might notice it and ask. If someone puts a post on facebook about a survey or interview- then people will know more.

If they had Aphasia awareness week, people might be interested in it but if you they don’t know it is that week, it doesn’t matter. If people hear about it, they will look it up. (He googled rare conditions to make his point and came up with Aphasia.)

It (Food Allergy Awareness Week) will help once it is more popular. People will start looking stuff up. They will learn about it. If gets more popular, it will make a difference.

Question: How many friends do you have with food allergies?
Answer: I can think of three off the top of my head. I think there are more.

Question: Is it getting easier to ask about food when you are out?
Answer: It is. I guess I realized that I won’t see the people again or most likely I won’t. So, they would never be like, oh there’s that kid.

Question: Do you think it is harder or easier or the same now that you are a teenager.
Answer: Kinda easier. Like people used to not know what my inhaler was. Kids are scary sometimes. They ask a bunch of questions. Teenagers tend to know more stuff.

I think as I get older it will get easier because people will know about it more. Now most people know about it. It would be weird if it got harder.

Love conquers all

Last month, we let some friends borrow our RV. They were on a whirlwind trip to Florida and they wanted to camp at Fort Wilderness and go to Disney World. The family of five used our RV for half a week, maybe not even that. I can't remember right now and those details don't matter. We never gave it a second thought. We wished we could do more. The mom, a girl that I grew up with- starting with girl scouts and ending with graduation from high school- was dying of cancer. She died this past Saturday.

I hadn't seen Shannon in over 20 years. We'd reconnected on Facebook and commented on pictures from time to time. When I saw her at the campground, I was struck by her strength. Physically, she didn't have much strength left. The medication she was on left her in such a state that she would start to fall asleep mid sentence. But her words were strong. She spoke of her family and her love and it was all strength. She was knew what was coming and she told me she wanted the trip for her family. She wanted to be everything she could for them. She wanted to be strong as possible so they wouldn't remember her sadness.

When I found out she died on Saturday, I was sad. We knew it was likely, but her death was hard to realize. It was hard to grasp, even though it was expected. She was young! I mean, she is my age. She has 3 children. It just isn't fair. So much in life isn't fair. I tell my kids that. But this, this unfairness hurts my soul.

And yet, when I think of her, I think about how she decided to be strong. Strong in the face of death.

Months ago, my pastor made a point one Sunday that resonated with me. We are all dying. Every one of us. Right now. We are dying. No one will escape death. And somehow hearing that absolved me from fear. Death is inevitable. In the end, our earthly decisions determine what death means. How we approach death impacts those we know and love. Shannon approached death with strength. She did not want to die. When I was with her, she talked about one more possible, but unlikely, treatment possibility. She was unsure the treatment was possible for her. She was certain about what she wanted. She wanted to be with her family and for her family to feel love. She seemed so strong, even with her body failing. I did not see fear. I saw love. I saw how much she loved her husband, her kids, her siblings. That will continue to impact me for years to come.

Love conquers death. And while I know she died, I know she lives.

Dear Siblings of Allergy Kids

It is National Siblings Day, according to Facebook, anyway. It got me to thinking about my kids and their relationships. I am thankful for my kids. I am thankful for how they all deal with having food allergies in our family. I spent a few minutes writing a letter to siblings of food allergy kids.


To all of the siblings of food allergy kids,

I know it isn't easy.
I know it isn't fun. I know it is frustrating. You can't go places with the family to eat that you would really enjoy. You can't have food that is down right tasty. It's not fun. It out right sucks sometimes. I know.

I know. I also know you care. I know you worry. I see that you care, even when you wish it was different. I know you care because you don't complain (much). I know you care even when you make jokes.
Those joke are a release of sorts. I get it. I don't always allow it. I get frustrated with it but I get it. I know.

I know that you avoid foods because it isn't safe for your sibling- even sometimes when you aren't with your sibling- just because.

I also know that sometime you jump at the chance to have something that you can't normally have, when you food allergy sibling isn't around. That's okay. It's also okay to feel weird about it. It's okay to love those moments, too. You need to know, I'm right there with you.

I've seen you give a safe treat to your sibling, when you didn't have to. I've seen you really appreciate your food allergy sibling sharing his unsafe dessert from a sports event. You know he didn't have to take one but he got it for you. You know there are ups and downs. I know you feel good and bad about things. I know.

You've told people time and time again that your sibling can't have an item because of food allergies. I know that you hate it. I do, too. But I know you get it. I know you sacrifice. You understand. I know that despite how much you wish it wasn't real, you know it is.

You've shown time and time again that you understand and that your heart is bigger than your appetite. I wish everyone could think and act the way food allergy siblings do.

Thank you for your love, understanding and respect for your food allergy sibling. It means the world. It really does.

7. The discipline of writing

I am a writer. No, I am not a paid writer. I write, so therefore I am a writer. Writing is my favorite way to express myself. At an early age, I began collecting my thoughts in journals. I would write diary entries. I would write poetry. I would document my spiritual discoveries and prayers. Journal after journal... I think many of them are in various boxes in my garage. I'm not sure whether to throw them out or keep them. Writing has always been an essential part of who I am. It has a tie to the deeper parts of my soul. I suppose it is because I often write to express emotion or spirituality.

For a while, I stopped writing. I'm not talking about this blog. I mean, I stopped writing all together. It reflected something deeper. It reflected a negligence.

This Lenten season is renewing of many disciplines for me, including writing.
I'm already feeling refreshed.

6. Progress

My garage is a cluttered mess. It is a catastrophe. It seems that every time we move it gets worse. I am not sure if that's true. I long to have a clean organized garage. I envy my neighbors that do. When I drive by those storage places, I tell myself, "That's where my neighbor stores all of his junk." Maybe its true. Maybe its not. But someone is using the storage places. A whole bunch of someones store stuff there. It doesn't make me feel any better. I spent a couple hours on Tuesday organizing and cleaning out my garage. I started working on it because I was looking for a mint coin set that my daughter could use during a group presentation she is doing on money. It took a while but I found it. Boy, I was happy I found it! There's still a loooong way to go and a lot to do to clean out the entire garage. I can hardly imagine! But- I made progress and progress is good.
Progress is good. Whether I am cleaning out or doing a few push ups, moving in the right direction is better than not moving forward at all. I am aware that stagnation generally leads to degeneration. Baby steps! Baby steps are better than no steps at all. Progress. That's what I am after in my garage. That's what I am after in my disciplines.

5. Who am I?

On Saturday, I took a personality test. It was a short questionnaire based on the Meyers Briggs test. Then, my whole family took it- all 6 of us. I even read the questions to my 9 year old. The results were interesting. Fascinating, really. I think its a great tool to help understand others. I was unsure if my kids would be able to understand the questions well enough to get accurate results. I was a little amazed at how well the post test results descriptions fit.  It isn't defining but it is enlightening. On Sunday, at church, the pastor talked about spiritual gifts. He said that spiritual gifts work hand in hand with the fruits of the spirit. Spiritual gifts are basically a talent that you can use within the Christian community (church). Fruits of the spirit are love, joy, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control. I couldn't help but think about how the different personality styles may correlate to different spiritual gifts.

Variety is wonderful. There is no such thing as an insignificant or irrelevant spiritual gift. Also, inferior personalities don't exist. You may wish you had different traits but all are valuable. I am who I am. But, who am I? That is what I am considering and have been thinking about since Sunday. I need to know who I am to reach my potential. At the same time, as look inward, I cannot help but hear the words of this song:

"I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
A vapor in the wind
Still you hear me when I'm calling
Lord, you catch me when I'm falling
And you've told me who I am
I am yours"



Reference: 1 Corinthians 12, Galations 5:22-23, and the Song, Who Am I by Casting Crowns.

4. Relationships

Relationships are tricky. That's not news to anyone. I spent the day dealing with arguing kids. It was exhausting. Then, after some relaxed family time this evening, something changed and everything changed. Really, probably, we all got tired and didn't realize that's what was happening. I hate when something negative happens at the end of the day. It takes over the feeling of the day. Its just what happens sometimes. I know it happens to everyone sometimes but it sucks. It sucked tonight. How eloquent of me, I know. Anyway, so, I went back outside and sat by what was left of the fire. It was calming. Being outside is always therapeutic. The fire was out but the logs were still simmering. I was warmed by the heat of the red hot logs that were left.
I wanted to find a lesson in this...some bit of wisdom taken from my moments by the burned out fire. The fire was out but the heat was still radiating. I thought it reminded me of our night. The happy feelings were gone but the love felt earlier in the night was still there. Relationships are tricky. Feelings are fleeting. I want to be able to look past the fleeting feelings and see love. But that isn't easy. Feelings deeply affect relationships, even if it is just for a night.
I know I need to go deeper.
That's a good place to rest tonight.

3. Be still

I made a decision to be still. I sat outside by the fire pit. I watched the palm tree branches blow in the wind. It wasn't hard once I was there. I felt relaxed and at peace. The hard part is stopping to be still.
Be still.

2. Ordinary

Today was an ordinary day. It was an ordinary busy day. Busy is ordinary. At the end of the day, as I sat at football practice, I thought through my day trying to find something exemplary. I wanted to remember a thoughtful part of my day- something meaningful. It seemed that I had just had an run of the mill, extremely busy day. I did. But then I remembered that in the middle of it, I watched my neighbor's boys for 4 hours. It was fairly effortless (aside from the fact that my dogs love to bark at the boys). They played and played some more. What's two more kids when you have four? But, as I tried to come up with something that mattered today, I realized that sometimes I may not recognize something of value. I am sure that I helped my neighbor today. It was an ordinary willingness to help out. I like that. I want more of my giving to others to be ordinary.

1. Meaningful Relationships

Meaningful relationships. That's what is on my mind today.
I want the people I know to know how much they mean to me. Daily. I mean, whenever I interact with others I want to be more present. Also, I want to look for opportunities to express gratitude towards other people. Who doesn't enjoy feeling appreciated? Yes, gratitude. I want to cultivate a grateful attitude towards everyone- from strangers to those who I am close to and everyone in between.

Thursday Thanks Tank #213

My thankful list on this Thursday, Sept 22:

My father-in-law. It's his birthday. I am thankful for all that he does for his family. I am thankful for the way he parented my husband. I am thankful for how much he shows others he cares. I am thankful for the way he loves my mother-in-law.

A trail run with a friend. I went on a trail run with my friend this morning. She is the best running partner I have ever had. We're sole sisters. But, unfortunately, our schedules have been such that we haven't been able to run together in a long time. This morning was wonderful. The miles flew by and the smiles were big. We laughed and talked and ran. It was very, very nice.

Neighbors.  I met a neighbor of mine today and if my first impression is right, we are going to be good friends. She is probably a little younger than my parents. I love her already. We talked for a long time. And when we were done and said it's great to meet, we finished the meeting with a hug. That's a good feeling.

Rain and sunshine. They make rainbows.

Amazon Prime. I am such a last minute person. The free two day shipping is a life saver time and time again. The one day shipping came in handy this week.

Brownies. They are in the oven. They are going to be a nice surprise for my kids, three of which are getting ready to get home from practice.

My Dishwasher and my Washer and Dryer. I will never run out of dishes to wash and I will never get caught up on washing and folding and putting up clothes. I cannot imagine my life without these appliances. I would struggle. I just cannot even imagine.

People who challenge me. Challenges are good. Sometimes people purposely challenge me. I have a friend who constantly posts motivational quotes on FB. I have other friends that encourage me to eat well. Other times people challenge me because to me they are challenging people. I grow through these interactions. I am thankful for my challenges- both the ones I welcome and the ones that I'd rather avoid.

Yard work. I spent just about 30 minutes pulling weeds today. I love being outside and getting my hands dirty. I love working with plants. I simply love being outside and working with nature.

Music. This morning before work and school, we listened to Rocky Top, Sweet Home Alabama and Coming Home. I love music and how some songs have a special meaning.

Wordless Wednesday

Thursday Thanks Tank #212

My life is so busy I cannot keep up with it. The funny part about that is that the core of my busyness is my kids' activities. It's become ever important that I pause to notice, appreciate and make time for small things.

Today, at this moment on this Thursday, September 8th, I am thankful for these things:

Carpools. As hard as it is to get my kids everywhere they need to be, I couldn't do it without several carpools. Often I have to have 2 kids in two places at the same time. That's simple, as long as my husband is in town and he isn't always in town. There have been a few times where I needed to be in three places. It gets so interesting. We are doing the football/cheer carpool tonight. So, while my husband was picking up three kids to add to our van of three kids, I was taking my oldest from cross country practice to band practice.

A quiet moment. Or, rather, being able to be still in the quiet moment. I have an hour before I have to go pick up my son. I got home about 20 minutes ago and as soon as I got home I started to do one of many, many things I need to do. Then, I sat down and just listened. I listened and I paused and I decided to think about all that I appreciate.

My new home. This past weekend we moved into our new home. We went from renting to owning and it feels sooo good. Yes, we have owned before. Yes, we actually still own another home in another state on the other side of the country. But, feels wonderful. It feels amazing to be in a home we own. I can't even explain it so I will stop trying. I am just happy to be where we are and have a feeling we are going to stay awhile.

My bathtub. Seriously. I'm putting that out there. The last two houses we rented did not have a master bath. Seriously. I could shower or go to the kids bath. This house has it's very own garden tub. I looove it.

My Yeti. I drink water from my Yeti like it is the best drink ever. I love how cold my Yeti keeps water.

A new desk. I spent a few days over the weekend looking at Craig's List for a desk. My husband sometimes works from home and we really wanted to get a desk for him to use. On Sunday, I popped on Facebook 2 minutes after a friend of mine advertised a desk on a FB community site- for free. It just happened, just like that. She was thrilled to give it to someone she knows and I am thrilled to have something that meets our immediate needs.

A memory. One of my Facebook memories from today was the night before my second son, David, started Kindergarten. The last part of the status went like this: "Let's see, school supplies - check. Life saving medicine - check. Emotions - not in check." The memory made me smile. He's in 7th grade now and he has never had to use his Epipen at school. School has gone well. So many people have kept him safe over the years, both actively at school and in prayer. I am so very thankful for that memory and the reminder that David's peanut allergy has only caused inconveniences and not allergic reactions at school.

Arguments. So the other day my husband and I got into a small argument. It blossomed quickly and grew into all kinds of irritation and smashed feelings. And even in the middle of it-- okay, no- not the middle of it. more like toward the end when I just wanted to work it all out (and hear him apologize. just kidding. sorta)-- I knew I loved him. I am not thankful for the argument, really. I am thankful for what I see when the dust settles (dirt stops flying). I thankful for the love we have and the desire we have to mend brokenness when it happens. I am thankful for a healthy, hearty relationship.

My family. I have an outstanding family. My kids impress me. My husband works hard. My parents celebrated 48 years of marriage yesterday. My grandma turned 90 this summer. My sister listens. My sister challenges me to be a better person. My husband loves me. My in-laws encourage me. I have a unique, very diverse family and each person's influence on me is something I appreciate.

My dogs. I have no idea why they have been so quiet since I got home. I kinda wonder what they are into. It's like having toddlers all over again. They are my babies. They make me smile... unless they got into something...

Thursday Thanks Tank #211

When love is so powerful, so visible it leaves you in awe...


Today as I was waiting in line at the grocery store checkout line, I smiled at a man buying flowers. He had two colorful bouquets of mixed flowers.  He looked so happy, it just made me smile.

Being as I was right behind him, I couldn't help but over hear his conversation with the cashier.

"How was your wife's birthday?"
"Not bad. Not bad at all."
"I took her flowers and birthday cake. (happy chuckle) I even took her birthday cake. I put a candle in it for her and then blew it out."
"It was nice. The fresh flowers looked nice on the gravestone."

Stunned. I processed what he had just said.

"Are you taking these flowers to her tomorrow?"
"No, I am going to ride tomorrow. I'll take them the day after that."

They made small talk. My heart was still.

When I walked out to my car, the jovial man, was talking to a friend he came upon in the parking lot. I walked by his jeep, and caught sight of the 'In Loving Memory' window decal.
Beneath her name, it said, "Loving wife, Best friend and Soulmate. Forever Loved, Forever Cherished." There were the dates of her life. The years were 1961-2009.
2009.
Be still my heart.

This man still celebrates and honors her birthday.
He talks about her with a love resounding from his voice. So much so that if I hadn't heard him mention her gravestone, I would have thought he was one extremely loving husband.
He is.

It's still overwhelms me to consider his heart.

So, tonight, I am thankful for love. I am thankful that we- that I- can love and love deeply.

Thursday Thanks Tank #210

A few things I am thankful for:

Fuzzy socks
Goldfish (the edible kind)
carpools
pictures
second chances
my puppies
teachers
getting somewhere on time
hugs
faith
questions
questions I can't answer (because they make me think)
chocolate
getting to see out of town family
optimism
honesty (though it can be very, very hard, I know it is a good thing)
a new washer and dryer (yay!)
having enough gas to get there and back
our kitchen table
a game of uno
my phone
a quiet house
discontentment (sometimes, in some areas, it is a good thing to long for more)
people who yield
tickling and giggles
our military
and military families
a cool day with sunshine
an enjoyable book

A good friend

My son, Thomas, is a friend to every body. In fact, he often laments that people that he doesn't know, know him. Kids at school will say, "Hey Thomas" and he will have no idea who they are. He tells me he doesn't know how that happens.

I tell him that he is the kind of kid everyone notices.

The truth is, though, he stands out but it is for more reasons than his unusual haircut. He stands out because of his personality. He doesn't meet a stranger. And, he's the kind of person that is a friend to everyone.

So, it wasn't a real surprise the other day when I was picking up my daughter from school when a boy asked if I was Thomas's mom. I replied, "Yes," of course. But, what surprised me was what he said next: "Thomas is my best friend."  I had never seen this boy before. Hesitantly (because I wasn't sure if this would offend him), I asked the boy his name. He told me... and I had never heard of him. I told him it as great to meet him and I went about my way.

Later in the day, I asked Thomas about the boy. I told him that he said Thomas was his best friend and Thomas just smiled. Thomas told me he was nice. So, I asked if he would like to have him over sometime. The response was, "Uuuuh, no..." Now, wait a minute, I thought to myself. So, I asked why. He said, "Weeell, the thing is, he picks his nose. A lot. He's nice, but..."

We talked about him a little bit more but there wasn't a lot to say. Thomas was his friend and he was good with it.

Later, much later- a few days later- I found myself thinking about this relationship. I'm not sure if it is simple or complex. It's simple for Thomas but it seems complex because the relationship means much more to the other kid. I decided that is okay that way. I am glad that Thomas is the type of friend that he is. He is kind. He is a good friend. He does not try to be more than he is. I like that.

She Laughs

I am terrible with emails. My inbox is always overrun with unread emails. In fact, over the holidays, I hit a new high- or new low, depending on how you look at it- over 1,700 unread emails. There are a few people in my life that can't stand this problem I have. For some, is bothersome- really bothersome, to have unread emails. Who knew?
Well, anyways, I signed up for an automatic, daily email. While I am sure that means there will be days that the automatic email adds to my unread email total, I am looking forward to the emails.
My church sends out a daily SOAP email. SOAP = Scripture, Observations, Application, Prayer.
This is a good thing.

Lately the SOAP has been going through Proverbs. Today, it is on Proverbs 31.
There are many words that challenge in these verses. Today, my heart is moved by these words in particular.

²⁵ She is clothed with strength and dignity,
    and she laughs without fear of the future.
²⁶ When she speaks, her words are wise,
    and she gives instructions with kindness.

She laughs without fear of the future. I want to live without fear. I want to laugh. Not that long delirious laugh I sometimes have when I am overwhelmed. I want to laugh with joy.

She gives instructions with kindness. I'll be honest. I have four kids and my instructions are not always shrouded with kindness.  I will focus on that.

SOAP is a good thing for me. It is a great start to each day- a little strength to go. I am not sure about the dignity but I am quite certain that reading scriptures with help with that. My words are not always wise, but then again, scriptures should help with that. And, of course, scriptures will help with any kind of instructions I give and the way I give them.

I am not afraid of the drudgery of this day. I laugh in the face of my fear of insignificance and doldrums.


Oh, and this morning, my unread email count is 26.

A warm cup of coffee

This morning, right before he left for work, I watched my husband pour his unfinished coffee into my cup of coffee.

He didn't know I saw him.

It was... icky.

I cringed and laughed internally.

It is wonderful, despite the fact that it irked me. He didn't even hesitate. He just did that.

So, it's sort of wonderful.

I think.

We've been married a long time. 20 years.

So, I think there's a beauty in that moment... somewhere.

What was he thinking? 'Don't waste warm coffee?' 'I'll warm up her cup?'

Was it an endearing gesture of love, even though he didn't think I saw him? Was it a be wise with a precious resource moment?

And, I wonder, Was this the first time? Does he do this and I don't know it?!

Ah, married life.
It is the most wonderful thing. Really, really.

He better not be using my toothbrush. I would have to draw the line right there.