Not where or what I long to be

It's Saturday night. I'm starting this post a little after 7:30. My 4 kids are in bed and I believe at least 3 of them are already asleep. I am listening to the hum (or more appropriately, the clanks) of my dryer. The house smells of cleaner- carpet cleaner. My living room carpet looks fantastic. I am enjoying a quiet house and time to myself.

It could be a perfect night. Except that nothing is quite right.

My alone time a result of my husband being gone to a dinner where I am supposed to be his date. My living room carpet was freshly cleaned today to remove the stain and stench of vomit. The dryer is running because I am still washing and drying clothes from a day that consisted of several clothes changes. Three out of my 4 kids threw up today. Two of them spent a good part of the night being sick.

I spent much of the day struggling with a bad attitude. And then, I gave in to it.

I came downstairs and considered checking my husband's facebook page. What? Yep. I didn't. This time.

I had a brief conversation today with my husband about whether or not my facebook fast has been good for me. I have succeeded in staying off facebook (except for a few times when I have looked over his shoulder). Is that enough to call it a successful fast. I don't know.

I do know that I have developed a longing for more. I want to be doing more. I want to be more dedicated. I don't want to let little struggles overwhelm me. When I am down and out, I want to pull from a higher source. I don't always do that. I didn't today.

I struggle.

Lent represents Jesus's 40 days in the wilderness. He was tested. He was offered the chance to be an earthly king. The wilderness-or desert- was a place of solitude and struggle. That's the way I think of it, anyway.

When Jesus went into the desert, he pushed aside all of the expectations and hopes of those around him. My Lent season means depriving myself of many "around" me. I am not connecting regularly with friends on facebook. My Lent experience is about deprivation. Since it is such a shallow deprivation compared to how little some in the world have, I hesitate to describe it that way. I am depriving myself of something and when I think about what that means in my everyday life, I shudder. I realize more and more that I am a slave to my desires. I want. I need. I deserve. Really, it's shockingly true to recognize the selfishness of my thoughts.

I deserve a Starbucks because, I took care of sick kids.
I deserve a date because, it has been so long since I have been on one.
I deserve sympathy because I have had a tough 2 days.

It is ridiculous. I admit I think that way way too often.

This Lent season, this hard-to-explain-to-friends-facebook-fast, is more than it appears on the surface. I thought I would be accomplishing more. I am struggling more.

It is a season of soul-searching. It is a time of reflection. I am slowly and sadly acknowledging that I am not what I long to be. It's a burden. But, it's also a beautiful struggle.

I have hope. I recognize emptiness in my life. I realize I long for things that amount to nothing. The world is in me. Desires that amount to death abound.

I have hope. In my vain attempt at creating discipline, I see my need for a Saviour.

My need is real.

And so, I press on through my Lent fast and my selfishness thoughts, looking forward to celebrating resurrection on Easter Sunday.

Thursday Thanks Tank #122

Each week I spend time thanking God for the wonderful things in my life. On Thursdays I make a list. This is my Thursday Thanks Tank.

Today, I am thankful for:

1. My husband encouraging my boys to be boys.



2. The opportunity for my son to participate in music at church.


3. My son's enjoyment of The Chronicles of Narnia.
He read the series in 2 weeks and then decided he wanted to read them all over again.


4. My daughter's mad face (makes me smile every time).


5. Snow Flurries (and my kids'excitement).


6. Moments when I set aside my To Do list and make time for more important activities with my kids (like a game of Checkers).


7. Boys, Water Guns, and Mud.
I won't even start to explain what they were doing. Just know, it was fun.


8. A fantastic first day of raffle ticket sales. Our elementary school PTO is holding a basket raffle. The baskets are showcased on our website. There are hundreds of dollars of products and gift certificates (click the basket name to see the list of gift cards and freebies). Today we had a great start to our raffle.


9. Iced Caramel Macchiatos. Yum. (Did you notice it in the above picture? Nothing like a latte to help with ticket sales!)

10. The wonderful person that found my daughter's security blanket (wherever she dropped it) and put it in the Lost and Found pile at school. (Seriously, can you believe the size of our "lost and found"?).


11. A wonderful friend of mine that watched my 4 kids (and her 4 kids) today while I was at the school selling raffle tickets. She's amazing (don't you agree?).

12. My daughter's new found obsession with her pink hat. She doesn't always get it on quite right but she is always cute.


Take time to be thankful today. It will be time well spent.

Sweet Laughter and Worship

My 4 1/2 year old son played the drums at church this morning. He was sweet. During the first few songs, he tried hard to keep the beat. He was adorable. During the last songs, he found his niche- turning to the crowd with his huge grin and beating the drum really fast.

This gal, yours truly, was beaming.

These two videos were from the last few songs at the end of the service.





Here are some pictures from the practice before the service.




It's so sweet to enjoy watching kids having fun during worship.

Now that explains me (but it's more than you want to know)

I visited Musings of a Housewife today and took a Jung Typology Test (a personality test). I took the test, read the results, and then retook the test. After the second test with the same result, I looked at the description a little closer.

My results classified me as "Introverted Intuiting Feeling Judging (counselor type)".

Here are some descriptions of my personality, followed by a little commentary:

"Although they are happy working at jobs (such as writing) that require solitude and close attention, Counselors do quite well with individuals or groups of people, provided that the personal interactions are not superficial, and that they find some quiet, private time every now and then to recharge their batteries."

Oh, I love my quiet time. That is THE way I recharge.

"Counselors tend to work effectively in organizations. They value staff harmony and make every effort to help an organization run smoothly and pleasantly."

I'm going crazy right now because I sense frustration in an organization I work with. I do value harmony.

"INFJs have a knack for fluency in language and facility in communication. In addition, nonverbal sensitivity enables the INFJ to know and be known by others intimately."

This makes sense to me. It is much, much easier for me to spill my heart in writing than when talking to someone.

"The INFJ under stress may fall prey to various forms of immediate gratification."

Uh, ya. Guilty.

They are, in fact, sometimes mistaken for extroverts because they appear so outgoing and are so genuinely interested in people -- a product of the Feeling function they most readily show to the world. On the contrary, INFJs are true introverts, who can only be emotionally intimate and fulfilled with a chosen few from among their long-term friends, family, or obvious "soul mates."

I sometimes wonder why I am infront of people or talking in a group when I'd rather be somewhere by myself. That's why this description makes sense to me.

Usually self-expression comes more easily to INFJs on paper, as they tend to have strong writing skills. Since in addition they often possess a strong personal charisma, INFJs are generally well-suited to the "inspirational" professions such as teaching (especially in higher education) and religious leadership.

I would much rather write than talk.

"This empathy can serve as a classic example of the two-edged nature of certain INFJ talents, as it can be strong enough to cause discomfort or pain in negative or stressful situations."

I wish -oh how I wish- this wasn't true of me. I often hurt so badly when others hurt that it tears me apart. Empthany is unavoidable and heavy in my life.

This is paragraph that got me. This describes my life right now- I have too many irons in the fire.

"INFJs are distinguished by both their complexity of character and the unusual range and depth of their talents. Strongly humanitarian in outlook, INFJs tend to be idealists, and because of their J preference for closure and completion, they are generally "doers" as well as dreamers. This rare combination of vision and practicality often results in INFJs taking a disproportionate amount of responsibility in the various causes to which so many of them seem to be drawn."


There you have it- way more than you wanted to know about me.

Now, GO. Go take the test for yourself: Jung Typology Test.

Let me know what you think.